Tale 4: Jamba Juice

My friend and I were at a local Jamba Juice this weekend with nothing to do as usual. My friend had been given a Jamba Juice gift card for Christmas, so he offered to pay for my drink. I thought it was a kind gesture, so I waited in line while my friend sat over in the corner. I ordered an original sized Orange Dream for him and a power sized Banana Berry for me (because I am a dick), and then I approached the counter to pay. The smiling lady took my typed a few things on the computer screen and then took the card and swiped it. She then smiled at me again and grabbed the receipt as it was printing, but her smile quickly turned to a puzzled frown. She thoroughly examined it for a few seconds while my sorry ass was just standing there waiting, and then she gave me a weird look and said "You have $72 left on your card...". Imagine me standing there, with a blank look on my face, trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred, the Jamba Juice employees thinking I'm some smoothie freak, while hearing my friend's faint shrieks of laughter in the distance. I mumbled something like "I come here a lot" and then turned around and walked directly to my dying friend over in the corner. He told me that he knew that was going to happen because his mom had bought an $100 gift card for him for Christmas, and then he continued to laugh his ass off while I still struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Once he got finished laughing he took the card out of my limp hand and went up to buy a power bar, and when the cashier lady questioned him, he informed her that I am addicted to Jamba Juice. Unable to move, I sat there enduring the weird looks from the Jamba Juice employees, and I begin to wish that I had just paid for my own damn smoothie.

Tale 3: The Little Things

I titled this post "The Little Things" because I would like to dedicate it to some of the smaller incidents and mishaps that happened to me today. These small, unrelated occurrences are what really get me sometimes: especially when I am least expecting it. To start out I would like to share that my friend started to read my last post about the fart to these two girls after soccer practice today. I had already basically lost the will to live by then so I didn't really care too much, but he was laughing so hard he could barely read it. The girls just kindof just sat there eyeing me, laughing mildly because they felt they had to but really thinking about how much of a weirdo I was. My friend finished the story and one of the girls made some comment about how weird I was, and I responded with a noise that was kindof like "Wice". I'm not really sure what it was; I'm pretty sure I was trying to say "Nice", but there is no way anyone can ever be sure. Anyways, one of the main points of this entry was to address the school dance on the weekend: the same day that someone laid a turd for me in the bathroom of a Chevron. My friend and I decided to go to this dance at about 8:00 because there was absolutely nothing to do and we were already mildly pissed and depressed. So we threw on some pants and showed up about halfway through a formal dance: we were dressed in khakis and shirts, typically. I struggle to find words to describe the event, but in a nutshell it was like walking in slow motion past horny, bouncing nerds overdressed in fancy attire. It was the most fun I have had in a long time. Towards the end, a grand conflict was sparked, when one of my nerd friends began to dance with a hot girl. The pandemonium that ensued was unthinkable: three upperclassmen fighting over a freshman girl. Even today at soccer practice the tension was at a new high. I was encouraging the bickering even though I wasn't really involved because I was pissed off. Now, I think that this event alone can illustrate the kind of alternate reality I live in. I am now going to cite some more examples that have occurred in recent history. The other day my friend and I uploaded a lame picture on Facebook as a joke. I usually get anywhere from 7 to 30 likes on my Facebook stuff, which is remarkable for someone in my position. Yet it has been two whole days and there are absolutely 0 likes. There aren't even any pity likes, which I was surprised by. A comment with 1 like has more likes than the photo itself. My parents started talking shit to me tonight too, which is impeccable timing on their part. They started making fun of me for no reason whatsoever, and my sister informed me that they were "acting weird". Coincidence? I think not, and that reason also leads me to believe that there is some divine involvement in my suffering. Like today at lunch, the wind somehow managed to thrust my empty lunch plate into the air and off of the table, leaving my other friends empty trays rooted in their spots. Luckily for me that was the only time that God actually got me, although he tried numerous other times. He was aiming for me when he knocked my friend's iPhone out of his hand, and he also made a kid near me trip while going up the stairs. Even last week too, I was walking with a full plate of food and spilled it all in front of some 9th graders while on my way to an important meeting. At least it looks like I have survived another day, but pretty soon I may have to start wearing a helmet and pads wherever I go. We'll see.

Tale 2: The Fart

I'd like to just start off by saying that when I went into my AP Environmental Science class today and a girl told me I looked like a pirate. I didn't really know what to say or do so I just stood there, looking at her. But nevermind, that is a story for another day. Today was the day when the quintessentially embarrassing, shitty experience happened to me: I ripped ass in the middle of class. It was in AP US History, and everyone was dead silent, reading a document. Let me make it clear that this was not just any fart; this was some kind of distorted bubble of air that had its own personality and everything. It wasn't a squeaker, and it wasn't one of those deep, bellowing ones that vibrate the chair and all. No, this was a cheery, bubbly one that was really excited to come out and see the world. So I was just sitting there reading and all of a sudden this noise that resembles an airhorn decides to manifest itself and propel itself out of my asshole. My two friends on either side of me can barely contain themselves, and I just sat there angrily frowning at my paper. The worst part was that everyone in the class knew but they just failed to acknowledge it. So I am just sitting there in class boiling with anger, my classmates thoroughly disgusted by me, with some alien smell lingering about me. Yeah. That's how my day went.

Tale 1: Hitting The Bottom

Today was when I really hit the bottom. It was more of a culmination of events than an actual beginning, however. Everything in my social life was coming to an abrupt end. For the past 3 years I had been living a fairly normal high school life: just with little social excitement. Gradually things got worse and worse until I just became some sort of social blob: I had a mere four friends and absolutely nothing to do to make me happy. Well, today was the day that my pathetic reality decided to pick itself up and clock me in the face. It really hit me at about 7:00 pm: I had just accompanied my friend to Frog's Fitness and had an hour to kill before I reconvened with him. I was a normal high school nerd on a Saturday night, except my problem was I literally had nothing to do. There were various nerdy activities going on related to my school and such, but I had no interest in them, as any sensible kid in my position would. Instead I was stuck in some sort of limbo, forced to waste the time which of course all adults deem "the time of your life". Well I started out this period of my golden years by driving around in circles on El Camino Real. I made random turns until I got tired of it, and then I finally found myself at a local McDonald's parking lot. On my way in I saw some fat people gorging themselves on their gluttony, and I slithered my way through them to go take a piss. I sat in the grimy bathroom for about 20 minutes before I couldn't take it anymore, and then I got back in my car. I started driving North for no apparent reason and ended up in some nerd restaurant called Tin Leaf. I went to the bathroom again to try to waste time but I couldn't, so I just sat in the restaurant for a while, gazing at the weird people around me. I saw a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck, and it reminded me of this hot girl I used to see working at Daphne's with a similar tattoo. About a month earlier I had pussed out when I was about to ask her for her number, and the next time I came to the restaurant the staff told me they didn't know who I was talking about when I asked when she worked. This was a prime example of some of the unbelievable luck I get, but I'll save that story for another time. At that point it was just about time to meet up with my friend, so I began to head back, nearly killing myself on multiple occasions. I met up with his bitch ass and we began to drive home, but on the way I needed to get gas. We went to a Chevron station and while my car was filling up I went to relieve my puny bladder once again. When I walked into the bathroom I immediately saw it. There was a shit sitting there on the floor right next to the toilet. It was a fucking dung pile plopped on the floor just chillin' there, mocking me. I took my piss with a sheepish expression on my face and proceeded to walk out, and when I turned the key in I told the guy at the front about the fat turd in his restroom. The douchebag tried to make some joke about it and thought I was the one who put it there, so I just turned around and walked out. I then drove back to my friend's house with him laughing at me for a considerable amount of time afterwards, and I thought about how things had just really gotten out of hand. This was the night when I truly realized how shitty my life had become, and I began to wonder if it was just some sort of joke of a reality. I know what I think, but my hope is that this blog can help you decide for yourself too.